[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
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Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
when there are deer in the woods
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it