I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
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Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
A Short Story.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.