When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
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I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Sponch
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.