how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
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Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
necessity is the mother of invention
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.