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One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?