After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
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Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
the simulation is moving too fast
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-