Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
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wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.