OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
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Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done