me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
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Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Me trying to walk in a dream
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
doing your own taxes
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Sign at work today
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)