A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
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this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.