Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
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*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
When I laugh on my period
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Challenge accepted.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller