I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
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My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
No. He’s not coming out to play
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*