[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
You Might Also Like
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
early stone age tool
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
This is hilarious….