I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
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me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????