Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
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A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.