Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
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Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory