I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
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On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
i actually laughed 😩
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
HELP 😭
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo