Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
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*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.