2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
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I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.