Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
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Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening