[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
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Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
The news
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.