Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
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*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
One of my husband鈥檚 friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 馃槀馃槆
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That鈥檚 an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That鈥檚 a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That鈥檚 India.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I鈥檓 53 years old unless I鈥檓 driving at night in the rain. Then I鈥檓 107.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am