Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
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My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?