If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
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If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal