If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
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Worth a try
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
oh my god
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.