I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
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Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
A little too much information.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I’m giving up for Lent.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?