According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
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Rt to bother an English speaker
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Straight people are cancelled
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
mentally somewhere in italy
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”