REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
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Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
#ParentingFacts
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.