Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
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MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
They grow up so quick
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
welp
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway