[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
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Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.