The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
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If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
how to market bottled water to dads
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.