Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
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I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry