Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
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Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times