If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
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*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!