I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
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As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.