HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
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Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.