I self medicate, therefore you live.
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[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
checking out some reviews of my local library
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
everyone has that one prude friend
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.