Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
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Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
The photographer’s assistant
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
The Joker was right
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps