Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
You Might Also Like
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that