Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
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After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster