“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
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Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Natty or not?
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Delightful if true: booby trap.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
PLOT TWIST:
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager