her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
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I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.