me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
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Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Super Hand Dog Face
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”