Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
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11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Taking phone security to the next level.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl