I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
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Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this