Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
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Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I know
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!