Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
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I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
my favorite genre of twitter
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins