Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
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got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.