Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
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Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
i want to work in this restaurant
“i am a sweet baby”
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.