My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
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Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
this is the best day of my life
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore